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JOKES AND HEALTH FACTS
"LAUGH FOR THE HEALTH OF IT!"

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PART OF

R E W A R D S : a Multi-Part Learning Program



Throughout the month of October, 2007, we enjoyed the R E W A R D S program "LAUGH FOR THE HEALTH OF IT!" Here is list of the jokes and health facts used during that program. ENJOY!

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HEALTH FACTS

1. Journal of Psychosocial Nursing and Mental Health Services 2004 Mar;42(3):18-25
A CHUCKLE A DAY KEEPS THE DOCTOR AWAY: THERAPEUTIC HUMOR AND LAUGHTER
MacDonald CM
There are several beneficial efforts attributed to humor and laughter, including improved immune function, increased pain tolerance, and decreased stress response. Humor therapy, laughter therapy, laughter meditation, and laughter clubs all have unique implications as group programs and as self-management techniques.

2. Humor therapy could one day be a part of preventive care. A good giggle helps you:
Scorch calories - Laughing for 10 to 15 minutes increases your heart rate by 10% to 20%, which means you can burn an extra 10 to 40 calories a day. Over a year, that can add up to a four-pound weight loss.
Ease pain - In a UCLA study funded by Rx Laughter, a group that promotes research on the connection between humor and health, experts discovered that children tolerated pain better than usual when watching a funny program or video.
Stay healthy - Humor increases the production and effectiveness of natural killer cells that stomp out germs. These cells are elevated for at least 12 hours after just an hour of watching...Will Ferrell....
Tyranski, Kathryn M., "The Comedy Cure," READER'S DIGEST, September 2007, p. 210.

3. Stanford University psychiatrist Allan L. Reiss, MD, recruited 20 male and female college students. Inside an MRI, the men and women looked at 70 cartoons flashed on a small overhead screen and rated them on a funniness scale. When the results came back, Reiss made an unexpected discovery: Men and women process funny differently. The analytical region of women's brains was more active than the men's, suggesting women studied the cartoons more. When they found the cartoon amusing, the reward region of their brains lit up noticeably more than the guys.
All of which is a fancy way of saying women appear to think a little more about whether they find something humorous. They don't necessarily expect to laugh, and so they enjoy it a lot more when the joke works for them. With men, apparently, it was more like, Hey ...cartoon. Must be funny. Funny is good.
Colligan, Doug. "Why Men and Women Laugh Out Loud" READER'S DIGEST Sept. 2007, p. 99.

4. Humor has been shown to boost brain-power and improve immune-cell function (which can help ward off cancer). Not only that, but a positive attitude means you're more likely to do healthy things like walk, eat cruciferous vegetables and avoid saturated fats­--three choices that substantially help the chance of survival after a heart attack, stroke or cancer. So instead of feeling blue, take charge of your life.
"Health IQ" READER'S DIGEST Sept. 2007, p. 63.

JOKES

1. A husband feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to, and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family doctor to discuss the problem. The doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.
"Here's what you do," said the Doctor. "Stand about 40 feet away from her and in a normal conversational speaking tone, see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."
That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and the husband was in the den. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens." Then in a normal tone he asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
No response.
So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
Still no response.
Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
Again he gets no response.
So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for dinner?"
Again there is no response.
So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for dinner? "
"Ralph, for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!"

2. What do you call 10 rabbits walking backwards? ... A receding hare line!

3. What building has the most stories? The library, of course!

4. A frog walked into a library and asked the librarian what he would recommend.
"How about this sir?" asked the librarian, showing him Toad of Toad Hall.
"Reddit, reddit," said the frog.

5. A young boy refused to do his homework, and his father was trying to convince him to do it. He said to his son: "When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace."
The son replied: "Well, when Lincoln was your age, he was President!"

6. A neutron walks into a bar, sits down and asks for a drink. Finishing, the neutron asks "How much?"
The bartender says, "For you, no charge."

7. Upon entering a little country store, a stranger noticed a sign reading, "Danger! Beware of Dog" posted on the glass door. Inside, he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor besides the cash register. He asked the store manager, "Is that the dog folks are supposed to beware of?"
"Yep, that's him," he replied.
The stranger couldn't help but be amused. "That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?"
"Because," the owner replied, "before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him."

8. At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 7-year-old baseball players aside and asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is? Do you know what a team is?"
The little boy nodded in the affirmative.
"Do you understand that what matters is whether win or lose together as a team?"
The little boy nodded yes.
"So," the coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn't argue with or curse at the umpire, or call him names. Do you understand all that?"
Again the little boy nodded.
The coach continued, "And when I take you out of the game so another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach names, is it?"
Again the little boy nodded.
"Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that to your parents."

9. A woman brought a very limp parrot into a veterinary clinic. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, Polly has passed away."
The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure? I mean you haven't done any testing on her or anything. She might only be in a coma or something."
The vet shrugged, turned and left the room, returning in a few moments with a beautiful black Labrador. As the bird's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the parrot from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head "no."
The vet escorted the dog from the room and returned a few moments later with a cat. The cat jumped up and delicately sniffed the bird. The cat then sat back, also shook its head "no," meowed and walked out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but, as I said, your parrot is most definitely 100% certifiably dead." He then turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill which he handed to the woman.
The parrot's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "A HUNDRED AND FIFTY DOLLARS!" she cried. "A hundred and fifty dollars just to tell me my bird is dead?"
The vet shrugged. "If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would only have been $20, but ... with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan ... it's $150.00."

10. Because he works in construction, my husband thinks he can figure out pretty much any home repair himself. So after a wheel broke off the foot of our bed, I was surprised when he asked, "Can you get me that fix-it book you bought?"
The next day, I looked down to where the broken wheel had been. In its place, propping up the bed, was the book.

11. Snail mail is really dead. Before I left on a trip to Alaska, I promised my five-year-old grandson, "I'll write you a letter when I get there."
"Okay," he said. "I'd like an A."

12. It was a hot morning in Tulsa when I drove past a house with a sad-looking guy sitting in front surrounded by a pile of stuff. A poster read "Garage Sale: 7 a.m. to 100 degrees."

13. As manager of an electronics shop, I ordered a part, number 669, from the factory. When it arrived, I noticed they'd sent me part 699 instead. I fired off an angry letter and sent it back. A few days later, I got the replacement. It was the same part, along with a note containing these four words:
TURN THE BOX OVER.

14. After inflating the playground balls, our school custodian, a classical music fanatic, had an odd habit of writing the names of famous composers on them. No one seemed particularly bothered by this behavior except for one parent volunteer.
"Can you believe this?" she said, thrusting a basketball under my nose. "Some kid wrote his name on all the balls!"
"Who was it?" I asked.
"Aaron Copland."

15. Our day-care center spent time helping the kids memorize their home addresses. My daughter, who was in my class, had her street name down, but couldn't remember the house number.
"If our house is on fire and you call 911," I asked, "how will the firefighters know where to go?"
She had a plan: "I'll tell them to go to South 14th Street and look for the house that's on fire."

16. Outraged by the high fees her computer consultants charged, a friend asked my dad which service he used.
"My sons," he said. "They both have degrees in computer science."
"So you get that kind of work done for nothing," the friend marveled.
Dad smiled. "Actually, I figure it cost me about $40,000 for my kids to fix my computer for free."

17. Hygiene is in the eye of the beholder, I've decided. One lunchtime I watched the woman in the sandwich shop spreading mayonnaise on my bread, and noticed part of her grubby work shirt was dragging across it.
"Excuse me," I ventured, "your sleeve is in the mayo."
"No problem," she reassured me. "I need to wash it anyway."

18. My friend's three-year-old came crying to her.
"I stubbed my toe," the boy wailed.
"Which one?" his mother asked.
"The one that had roast beef," he sobbed.

19. Our cute little powerboat was sadly overshadowed by the sleek sailing craft that had moored next to us. Its name was BAD NEWS, and I asked the captain how he came up with it.
"I love to race my sailboat," he said. "And everyone knows, bad news travels fast."

20. What does it mean when you find a bear with a wet nose?
It means you're too close to the bear.

21. The doctor's office was crowded as usual, but the doctor was moving at a snail's pace. After waiting two hours, an old man slowly stood up and started walking toward the door.
"Where are you going?" the receptionist called out.
"Well," he said, "I figured I'd go home and die a natural death."

22. On a long journey, the very thirsty Sirs Lancelot and Galahad stopped at a roadside lemonade stand. The owner served Galahad but refused to give Lancelot a glass.
"What's the problem?" demanded Lancelot. "Why won't you serve me?"
"Sorry," the owner replied. "This is just a one-knight stand."

23. The kids had been begging for weeks, so their mom finally gave in and bought them a hamster. But just as she had feared, she was the one who wound up taking care of it.
One evening, exasperated, she sat them down and asked, "Why did you even want that darn thing? How many times do you think it would have died if I hadn't been looking after it for you?"
"I don't know" her son said. "Once?"

24. When my son Michael was in grade school, he had to write a biography of his parents. When I read what he'd written about me, I was impressed with his vocabulary. It said, "My mom has blue eyes and chestnut hair."
"Where did you learn about the color chestnut?" I asked him.
"I read it off your hair-dye box," Michael responded.

25. For all those people who know there's something wrong with their cars but have no clue what the problem is or how much it'll cost to fix, here's a chart from my mechanic's garage, along with prices:
      Ping, Click, Ping- $10
      Click, Whir, Click - $30
      Clunk, Whir, Lunk - $50
      Thud, Clunk, Thud - $100
      Clang, Thud, Clang - $200
      I Can't Describe It - $500

26. Working on a computer all day has definitely messed with my girlfriend's view of reality. We had just placed our lunch order, and as our waitress walked away, she slipped in a wet spot on the floor.
"How about that?" Amy observed dryly. "Our server is down."

27. Our routine was always the same when unloading the delivery truck for our department store: clothes in the morning and special orders in the afternoon. That wasn't good enough for one antsy customer. He wanted his special-ordered pool table that morning.
"Okay," I reassured him. "Just as soon as we take off our clothes."

28. A computer-illiterate client called the help desk asking how to change her password.
"Okay," I said, after punching in a few keys. "Log in using the password 123456."
"Is that all in caps?" she asked.

29. Days after I moved into a new condo, my neighbor came over to welcome me. At the end of her visit, she said, "By the way, my husband said he'd give you $20 for your wind chimes."
"He can get them cheaper in a store," I pointed out.
"I know, but he wants yours," she said. "They've been keeping him up at night."

30. Heating water for pasta, I kept checking to see if it had begun to boil. My 12-year-old son shook his head. "Stop doing that, Mom. It's like that saying: "A watched website never loads.'"

31. A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. "I couldn't help notice how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long and happy life?"
"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."
"That's amazing," the woman said. "How old are you?"
"Twenty-six."

32. "All you idiots fall out!" shouted the sergeant at the soldiers standing in formation.
As the rest of the squad dispersed, one soldier remained at attention. The sergeant stalked over and raised a single eyebrow.
The private grinned. "Sure were a lot of them, huh, sir?"

33. A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it is state of the art. It's perfect."
"Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty."

34. Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today, it is called golf.

35. A Swiss guy, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Englishmen are waiting.
"Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he says.
The two Englishmen just stare at him.
"Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?"
The two continue to stare.
"Parlare Italiano?"
No response.
"Hablan ustedes Espanol?"
Still nothing.
The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted.
The first Englishman turns to the second and says, "Y'know, maybe we should learn a foreign language...."
"Why?" says the other, "That bloke knew four languages, and it didn't do him any good."

36. Three women, obviously old friends, had just finished having dinner at a restaurant. When the waiter came with the bill, one woman said, "Give it to me."
"No, you got it last time," said another. "It's my turn."
The waiter stood there, unsure what to do ­ until the third woman said, "I'm the biggest tipper."
He handed her the check.

37. "Laughter is an instant vacation."    Milton Berle

Created November 2007

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